Walking in the Valley

I want to take the time to record some of the thoughts I've had as we've walked through this last month of trying to discern what is going on with Kate and how to best help her. It has definitely been one of the most challenging months of our lives. It was kind of like Kate was a simmering pot that we were watching and in a flash it boiled over. We quickly went from thinking that Kate was a pretty normal child with mild epilepsy to realizing that she has significant health and developmental issues. It is going to take work and patience to help her. That is hard to accept.

By far the hardest point in all of this came on March 23rd. That night David told me that he had been doing some research online and come across a condition called Rett Syndrome. It's a condition that primarily affects girls and it can cause complete loss of language, use of the hands, and the ability to walk. In short, it utterly handicaps the girls that have it. Kate seemed to have many of the symptoms. Now, in hindsight we can see that we got a bit ahead of ourselves, but for 4 days it seemed extremely likely that this is what Kate was experiencing. Those were the worst 4 days we have ever had. We genuinely believed our little girl could be handicapped for the rest of her life. The tears and grief were intense. We are exceedingly relieved that this has been ruled out.

But this is what I want to remember. We faced one of the hardest things imaginable as a parent and found this: God was there. Even while everything in David and I was rebelling at the sorrow in the prospect of Rett Syndrome the Holy Spirit was so near. And do you know what happened in my heart? The spell of this life was broken in a way I have never experienced before. My life has always been so easy and so happy. I didn't even realize how much I loved earth. I didn't realize how un-glorious heaven seemed in my eyes. But suddenly the life I had been experiencing and planned for myself was vanishing. I was faced with the possibility of watching my little girl deteriorate to the point of needing a wheelchair, and having me feed her, and never hearing her voice again. It was agony and it made earth seem useless. It made me realize that we are all, really and truly, it's not just words, we are all made for heaven. We are made to be with Jesus. The end of all life on earth is death. Death was screaming at me during those four days. It hurt, oh how it hurt. I had been trying to find life here and hadn't even realized it.

The cross of our Savior became huge to me. He could have left us here in sin and death. That would be just. But he didn't. He came, he died, he ROSE, and now we can have real life. Life here on earth can be sweetened by his presence and help. But best of all, we can know that our real life is going to begin after death. We are going to go be with him. There will be no children in wheelchairs, trapped inside dying bodies. We will all be perfect, beholding out precious, PRECIOUS savior! I saw this like never before in those four days.

Now, God had mercy on us. Kate does not have Rett Syndrome. I realize all of this might seem rather dramatic in light of that, but I know God took us through those days because he wanted us to see him more clearly. He wanted us to grow in many ways. He wanted us to praise him. My faith is stronger now because of facing that awful possibility. My compassion is more acute for families who do have children who will not walk, or speak, or be well this side of heaven. I want to hold on to these things. I don't want earth's insidious whisper to find rest here to deceive me again.

The words to the song "The Valley of Vision" from the book by the same name were flowing over my heart through this season and I'll leave you with them. Read them all if you will, they are so very good.

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

(taken from sovreigngracestore.com)