However, here in the final stretch, fear has raised it's head. Over the last year I have followed a couple of blogs written by women who lost babies just days before their due dates. I have simply gotten interested in their lives and obviously their experience of loss has been a large factor in their writings this year. (We could argue the wisdom of reading these blogs while pregnant, but I think the Lord has used them to reveal an area that I need to fight for trust in Him.)
As I have neared and am now in the last weeks of pregnancy I have found myself really struggling with fear that Kate will die. Typically, this is the waiting and excited anticipation time. There is no thought of losing the baby now. But I have found myself preoccupied with this fear. She has taken to sleeping pretty deeply at night and so often I won't feel her move when I get up (multiple times!) to go the the bathroom at night. I have been filled with fear in those moments and have poked and prodded her awake until I felt her move, just to reassure myself. I have feared going to bed because I am scared I will wake up the next day and she'll be gone. I have even gone so far as to not want to look forward to her birth because I don't want to make the hurt greater should she not make it to birth. I have been discouraged because I know this sinful fear won't end at birth. Then I'll just transfer it to fearing that she'll die in the night. It will never end unless I ruthlessly deal with it now.
And the Holy Spirit has so faithfully been coming along side to help me. In every moment of fear He calls me to come to Jesus and call to mind His words and promises. Then, when I come and meditate, He stills my anxious heart. I know that God alone upholds Kate's life. He gave it to her for a predetermined and perfect number of days. Should those days be shorter then I would long for He will supply the grace to walk through that grief. Because He has called me to be His daughter through the gift of salvation all His plans and paths for me will be for good and not evil. Even though losing my baby would be devastating and intensely painful, I trust the Lord that He would only do it to bring about my eternal good and His glory. Nothing can stop Him from that work. And nothing can take Kate's life out of His hand. And he LOVES ME through His son! How can I fear in the face of such perfect power and goodness?
As I was praying through and repenting of this sinful heart of fear the other morning, God also reminded me of the fact that He willingly gave up His son for me. No human being will or can ever love their child as the Father loves His son. They had had perfect communion for eternity. Yet, the Father gave up the Son to wrath and punishment for treacherous, wicked sinners like me. He turned His back on Him! He crushed Him! And He did it for people who hated Him. So how could I not WILLINGLY give my child back to Him should He ask for her?? He who loves her more then I ever will; He who is gentle and full of compassion? Afterall, she belongs not to me but to Him. She is a gift from Him.
And so this is the battlefield on which I have been fighting. I wanted to post this as a confession of sin, a testimony of God's work in my heart, and a request for prayer. Please pray for me to continue to makes steps towards overcoming this sinful fear by God's grace. Pray that I would look forward with EXPECTANT FAITH to Kate's birth. Believing that the Lord will bring her forth in safety and grant me many years of mothering her. May He be glorified by my complete trust in Him!
In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me (and Baby Kate!) dwell in safety. Psm 4:8
5 comments:
Hey, girl.
These last days are the battle days for sure! God is doing a mighty work, you are right!
Early in my preg. i had a scare that made me think that perhaps my baby had died. God used that terrifying night to teach me this lesson you are learning: She's His baby.
When Eva was born, (you're right again) that same fear tried to knock on the door of my heart each time i placed her in her basket to sleep. would she wake up from this nap? was i doing all i could to protect and care for my precious gift from God?
i remember every time i went in to check on her (several times and hour those first weeks!), i would pause at her door and declare to our Good Shepherd, "She's your baby, Lord, and in my care only as long as you allow."
Mrs. Spurgeon talking about the 'Rock of Truth' that 'God's kindness shall not depart from us' says:
"When a troubled, bewildered soul is enabled by faith to cling fast to one of these (rocks), all fear vanishes, all anxiety is gone, nothing can move it from its confidence and peace."
Keep doing like you are, resting in the GREAT love of God in the gospel. He will refresh and tenderly care for you.
I love ya, girl, and i'm praying for you and dave and bitty-kate.
E + e
Anne,
I so enjoyed running into you tonight at the store. I have prayed for you and Baby Kate so many times, and I am so glad to know how I can add to my prayers for these last few days! I was reading Spurgeons Morning and Evening book this morning, and it so enouraged my heart to fight to stay at His feet, the very best place to be. Perhaps it will encourage you too. Cannot wait to see Baby Kate. I love her already! Love you all muchly! Teadles...;o)
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"Thy paths drop fatness" (Psalm 65:11)
Many are "the paths of the Lord" which "drop fatness,"" but a special one is the path of prayer. No believer who is much in the prayer closet will need to cry," "My leanness, my leaness: woe unto me" (Isaiah 24:16). Starving souls live at a distance from the mercy-seat and become like the parched fields in times of drought. Prevalence with God in wrestling prayer is sure to make the believer strong. The nearest place to the gate of heaven is the throne of heavenly grace. Spend much time alone with Jesus, and you will have much assurance. Spend little time with Jesus, and your faith will be shallow, polluted with many doubts and fears, and lacking in the joy of the Lord. The soul-enriching path of prayer is open to the very weakest saint and no high attainments are required. See to it, dear reader, that you are often in private devotion and fellowship with Jesus. Earth has no words which can set forth the holy calm of a soul leaning on Jesus' bosom. Few Christians understand it. They live in the lowlands and seldom climb to the top. They live in the outer court. They do not enter the holy place. At a distance they see the sacrifice, but they do not sit down with the priest to eat and enjoy the fat of the burnt offering. But, reader, sit under the shadow of Jesus. Let your Beloved be as the apple tree among the trees of the woods, and you will be satisfied as with marrow and fatness. Oh Jesus, visit us with Your salvation.
Anne,
You and dear Kate are so dear to me and know that I pray for you often. All growing up I always seen God's hand on your heart and life so clearly and am blessed and humbled by your humility about your struggles. Remember that God is fighting for you, and this battle is His. Be strong and courageous as you face this wonderful task of being a mother -- you are and will do so well. I love you, Maytee!
As I read this, I was reminded of the song we sang at church today. Our God is nchanging, Our God is unstoppable...Our God is so many amazing things! But most of all He's our Rock and place to dwell FOREVER! How easy it was and is to teeter away from that truth throughout the day. I'll be praying for Him to bring a peace in your heart as these final days are approaching. Love you!
I'll absolutely be praying for you that God will fill you with joyful, faith-filled anticipation for all the good things He has in store for you and Kate!
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